Im pretty sure my mind is going to explode someday soon. I am just. AGHH.

Cant sleep
Cant eat (dont wanna)
Cant just be
So
Anxious and just so limited too...

I think Im sick....

Yeah... Im freezing, stomach does not want to keep whatevers in there IN there. 

ARGHFARGH.

Stupid sore throat, just had to get worse. and worse. and worse. 

Now Im a victim of this "disease," vulnerable to its ghastly horrors. hahaha, alittle exaggerated there.

but it sucks.

Losing weight again.

104.

... ♥

I also have a psychology test on monday o.O

AGHH! 

Anyone want to lend a hand in my studying?

ARGH sorry for being so boring....

I dislike thanksgiving. though i ate... not THAT badly. I ate a lot though:

Mashed potatoes

Sweet potatoes w/ marshmellows

corn

mac n cheese

chocolate covered strawberries

pumpkin pie

icecream

a desert bun thing.

Over all, I couldve ate worse. But still, I refuse to add up the calories on this. It is crazzy

http://thedisoriented.tumblr.com/

Arghhhh food.

ARGH.

I dont want to be fat.

Such a Great and Yet Stressful Day

So. Track season has started, which means, NO food problems/insecurities/etc. eating healthy is the priority.

Today, in my mind, was

epic

*Which I also appologize for using the word 'epic' but I was lacking in a better term. So deal with it:) 

I had ONE hour of sleep. Somehow.

THEN I had school and lost my bracelet and was stressed about that. (I found it later)

THEN I had track. Which was. TRACK! We had warmup. Then we ran army laps, but me, with my medical condition, ran regular laps. 10 regular laps (2 1/2 miles, 4000  meters) and then did several sets of lunges, squats, burpees, and curlups. (pain but awesome) And then I ran an extra mile:) A total of 3 1/2 miles right there. 

THEN I had karate, and did stuff there.

Im STILL not tired.

What is this madness?

(No its not sparta.)

Goals:

Track practice: 2 hours, IMPROVE.
After track: run AROUND track, atleast a mile.
Improve form on long jump

I am in love with running (and my boyfriend) !!!!!

Today I ran 4 miles, it was... ♥ and walked about 2 maybe. My goal for this year though is to get to states... 

So I NEED muscle. Which means a diet with a lot of protein. but not. FAT.

Hmmm...

track!

400 calories lost to pasta... or 360.
220 to crescent rolls... more like 110 + 25= 135 or 140
= 620/ 540
woe is me.
-Calisthenics 380.07
-Jogging 111.45
491.52 calories. 

(I am not functioning well today)

(And yet I am)

I believe I could be seeing things. My mind is playing tricks on me.

What is real...?

I Do Not Need You To Tell Me I Am Not A Cat :D

awesome

Blog Different

Yeah I changed it... The other one was bothering me... I might change this one too... soon? I dont know

So I woke up this morning and I think I shattered the mirror... Omg.This cannot be me.Somethings gonna happen. I cannot be this fat, it makes me feel like I'ma puke.

THIS:

should be me.

I just watched Inception, which that movie had such an interesting concept of dreams and reality... it really made me think about life. I also feel sick to my stomach which always happens after I see/read something particularily mind challenging. I love it.

Any controversial (sorry if the spellings wrong) or just mind numbingly amazing books or movies that anyone knows, I'd be very glad if you could comment on this telling me the name(s) that would be awesome! :)

So yes, please please please, let me know! :)

Sunday.

Vanilla Pudding. I ate all four servings of it. Oh my.... the pain, it made me extremely nauseous. :\ now its gone. Whoops, not the best thing to do....

I need to avoid the lure. The horrible lure of food...

I am sending this from my phone now, which I think is pretttty niffty:) haha...

So yes... I have been having issues. Eating. And sleeping. I've been doing both way too much. I've been sleeping abouttt 10 hours a day at least... I mean it HAS been broken up into smaller segments but still that's quite a lot... And when I am awake I cannot stop eating food.

Omnomnomnomnomnom
Stupid me.

I should probably just start drinking more, I feel like I'm dehydrated and that's making me eat more... And maybe sleep more idk about that one but yes, food is evil. :( I'm gaining a lot. A LOT. An insane amount. Stupid. Stupid. Me.

restart

Loser

Ive been terrible lately. At least I have track on Monday though:\

Ive been eating so fricken much and it makes me feel so sick, but I havent thrown up at all, because I dont deserve to.

FAT. =. ME.

Pain. Benefits?

I have a theory.

which may mean losing weight and eating less would be a GOOD thing...

Last week I was strict with my diet, and lost weight. I also found I could run without my lungs DYING.

:)

The last couple days Ive gone food crazy -.- and Ive noticed my lungs are starting to DIE AGAIN. -.-

So.

Maybe... maybe...

Maybe i can do this......differently

I SUCK.

 I showed weakness. I showed. IT. I AM WEAK.

I am sick now. SICK> great.

No. Weakness. No. Weakness. Total Control.

I must not show weakness. Weakness means death. Weakness means lies. Weakness means weight. Weakness is bad.

Lets go for the success.

No food today. None. NO. I wont. I will prove my strength. PROVE. IT. No water either, no tea, no vitamins, nothing in my stomach.

NOTHING.

♥♥

Fat

Depress

I am.

elephant.

hear me roar.

Yeah. fatness. Earlier I attacked some candy and shoved it down my throat.

I should not have done that.

The calories= too painful to count.

Tomorrow will be better.

 Pretty pretty

 Her thighs ♥

Ive Gone Crazy, Havent I?

This is me:
Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. Fat,  fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat, fat. 

This is how fat I feel:
[No offense to the girl...]

 

This Was Adapted From a Friend's Poem... Not that great but... ohwell

Tick, Tock

Goes the clock

Your clock

You were born with...

It starts

with zero

It ends...

with zero

And based on events

Your clock changes

Intervals

Just think...

think for me,

You're born with a time

A time to die.

You and your body are born to die.

Inside you,

Something like a clock

Ticks constantly

It knows when that time is

...Scary thought to some

A challenge to others.

But then again,

This could all be bullshit

I don't know.

Not sure anyone does

They cant find this clock

Its hidden too deep...

But it's a a thought

An idea

So think about it

Because

Its ticking down time,

Time till your death

Shrinking, Falling, is the Battle Won or Lost?

Another pound gone. That puts me at about 102 but my scale sucks so I dont know the EXACT measurement -.-

And Im losing a pound per day... but I still. feel. fat.

Im falling in,
Im falling in the dark hole.
Losing while wining.
Where will I end up? 
Gone, gone forever?
or will I fall into the light?
Who knows... who cares.

Food...

•  Tea
• Dark Chocolate Peanutbutter cup= 66 cals. didnt eat all of it= 10 cal
• 1/2 stick of Cheese=  40 cals; 56 % fat =22.4 cal from fat
• Vitamins= 20 cal
•  Tomato Soup= 100 cal, 20 from fat
• Gnocchi =240 cal, and carbs! agh
• Chocolate= 210
• TOTAL:  620 cal

Exercise...

  Jogging, about an hour (its gonna bother me that I dont know -.-) : 325 cal

Total...                     295 cal
 

How many calories does your body burns/ need in a day?

Adult female: 655 + (4.3 x weight in lbs.) + (4.7 x height in inches) - (4.7 x age in years)

Me:

655 + (438.6) ) + (300.8) - (75.2) = 1319.2 cal

Pretty♥

Beautiful Song ♥ and Good Things

First off, this song is beautiful::

 

 Sung by a Dutch girl, and is beautiful --> Link is here <--

------------------------------------------------

And this is what shes singing:

Secondly I want to make a list today. Of everything that is good. Good things:)

1. My boyfriend

-He is amazing. Perfect. Adorable. Awesome. He makes his mistakes (in his mind) but none of them are bad, they're just him worrying about me... ♥

2. Music. 

-I am in love with music also. Its kept me alive... its ♥

3. Damnit.List fail. No more computation.

♥♥ 
--

Pretty girl of the day:)

hehehehe

So Im really immature, I know. But accourding to the people counter its at 69 at the moment xD